5
But for three days I didn't see Rufus. Nor did anything happen to bring on the dizziness that would tell me I was going home at last. I helped Sarah as well as I could. She seemed to warm up to me a little and she was patient with my ignorance of cooking. She taught me and saw to it that I ate better. No more corn meal mush once she realized I didn't like it. ("Why didn't you say something?" she asked me.) Under her direction, I spent God knows how long beating biscuit dough with a hatchet on a well-worn tree stump. ("Not so hard! You ain't driving nails. Regular, like this …") I cleaned and plucked a chicken, prepared vegetables, kneaded bread dough, and when Sarah was weary of me, helped Carrie and the other house servants with their work. I kept Kevin's room clean. I brought him hot water to wash and shave with, and I washed in his room. It was the only place I could go for privacy. I kept my canvas bag there and went there to avoid Margaret Weylin when she came rubbing her fingers over dustless furniture and looking under rugs on well-swept floors. Differences be damned, I did know how to sweep and dust no matter what century it was. Margaret Weylin complained because she couldn't find anything to complain about. That, she made painfully clear to me the day she threw scalding hot coffee at me, screaming that I had brought it to her cold.
So I hid from her in Kevin's room. It was my refuge. But it was not my sleeping place.
I had been given sleeping space in the attic where most of the house servants slept. It apparently never occurred to anyone that I should sleep in Kevin's room. Weylin knew what kind of relationship Kevin was supposed to have with me, and he made it clear that he didn't care. But our sleeping arrangement told us that he expected discretion—or we assumed it did. We co-operated for three days. On the fourth day, Kevin caught me on my way out to the cookhouse and took me to the oak tree again.
"Are you having trouble with Margaret Weylin?" he asked.
"Nothing I can't handle," I said, surprised. "Why?"
"I heard a couple of the house servants talking, just saying vaguely that there was trouble. I thought I should find out for sure."
I shrugged, said, "I think she resents me because Rufus likes me. She probably doesn't want to share her son with anyone. Heaven help him when he gets a little older and tries to break away. Also, I don't think Margaret likes educated slaves any better than her husband does."
"I see. I was right about him, by the way. He can barely read and write. And she's not much better." He turned to face me squarely. "Did she throw a pot of hot coffee on you?"
I looked away. "It doesn't matter. Most of it missed anyway."
"Why didn't you tell me? She could have hurt you."
"She didn't."
"I don't think we should give her another chance."
I looked at him. "What do you want to do?"
"Get out of here. We don't need money badly enough for you to put up with whatever she plans to do next."
"No, Kevin. I had a reason for not telling you about the coffee."
"I'm wondering what else you haven't told me."
"Nothing important." My mind went back over some of Margaret's petty insults. "Nothing important enough to make me leave."
"But why? There's no reason for …"
"Yes there is. I've thought about it, Kevin. It isn't the money that I care about, or even having a roof over my head. I think we can survive here together no matter what. But I don't think I have much chance of surviving here alone. I've told you that."
"You won't be alone. I'll see to it."
"You'll try. Maybe that will be enough. I hope so. But if it isn't, if I do have to come here alone, I'll have a better chance of surviving if I stay here now and work on the insurance we talked about. Rufus. He'll probably be old enough to have some authority when I come again. Old enough to help me. I want him to have as many good memories of me as I can give him now."
"He might not remember you past the day you leave here."
"He'll remember."
"It still might not work. After all, his environment will be influencing him every day you're gone. And from what I've heard, it's common in this time for the master's children to be on nearly equal terms with the slaves. But maturity is supposed to put both in their 'places.'"
"Sometimes it doesn't. Even here, not all children let themselves be molded into what their parents want them to be."
"You're gambling. Hell, you're gambling against history."
"What else can I do? I've got to try, Kevin, and if trying means taking small risks and putting up with small humiliations now so that I can survive later, I'll do it."
He drew a deep breath and let it out in a near whistle. "Yeah. I guess I don't blame you. I don't like it, but I don't blame you."
I put my head on his shoulder. "I don't like it either. God, I hate it! That woman is priming herself for a nervous breakdown. I just hope she doesn't have it while I'm here."
Kevin shifted his position a little and I sat up. "Let's forget about Margaret for a moment," he said. "I also wanted to talk to you about that … that place where you sleep."
"Oh."
"Yes, oh. I finally got up to see it. A rag pallet on the floor, Dana!"
"Did you see anything else up there?"
"What? What else should I have seen?"
"A lot of rag pallets on the floor. And a couple of corn-shuck mattresses. I'm not being treated any worse than any other house servant, Kevin, and I'm doing better than the field hands. Their pallets are on the ground. Their cabins don't even have floors, and most of them are full of fleas."
There was a long silence. Finally, he sighed. "I can't do anything for the others," he said, "but I want you out of that attic. I want you with me."
I sat up and stared down at my hands. "You don't know how I've wanted to be with you. I keep imagining myself waking up at home some morning—alone."
"Not likely. Not unless something threatens you or endangers you during the night."
"You don't know that for sure. Your theory could be wrong. Maybe there's some kind of limit on how long I can stay here. Maybe a bad dream would be enough to send me home. Maybe anything."
"Maybe I should test my theory."
That stopped me. I realized he was talking about endangering me himself, or at least making me believe my life was in danger—scaring the hell out of me. Scaring me home. Maybe.
I swallowed. "That might be a good idea, but I don't think you should have mentioned it to me—warned me. Besides … I'm not sure you could scare me enough. I trust you."
He covered one of my hands with his own. "You can go on trusting me. I won't hurt you."
"But …"
"I don't have to hurt you. I can arrange something that will scare you before you have time to think about it. I can handle it."
I accepted that, began to think maybe he really could get us home. "Kevin, wait until Rufus's leg is healed."
"So long?" he protested. "Six weeks, maybe more. Hell, in a society as backward as this, who knows whether the leg will heal at all?"
"Whatever happens, the boy will live. He still has to father a child. And that means he'll probably have time to call me here again, with or without you. Give me the chance I need, Kevin, to reach him and make a haven for myself here."
"All right," he said sighing. "We'll wait awhile. But you won't do your waiting in that attic. You're moving into my room tonight."
I thought about that. "All right. Getting you home with me when I go is the one thing more important to me than staying with Rufus. It's worth getting kicked off the plantation for."
"Don't worry about that. Weylin doesn't care what we do."
"But Margaret will care. I've seen her using that limited reading ability of hers on her Bible. I suspect that in her own way, she's a fairly moral woman."
"You want to know how moral she is?"
His tone made me frown. "What do you mean?"
"If she chases me any harder, she and I will wind up playing a scene from that Bible she reads. The scene between Potiphar's wife and Joseph."
I swallowed. That woman! But I could see her in my mind's eye. Long thick red hair piled high on her head, fine smooth skin. Whatever her emotional problems, she wasn't ugly.
"I'm moving in tonight, all right," I said.
He smiled. "If we're quiet about it, they might not even bother to notice. Hell, I saw three little kids playing in the dirt back there who look more like Weylin than Rufus does. Margaret's had a lot of practice at not noticing."
I knew which children he meant. They had different mothers, but there was a definite family resemblance between them. I'd seen Margaret Weylin slap one of them hard across the face. The child had done nothing more than toddle into her path. If she was willing to punish a child for her husband's sins, would she be any less willing to punish me if she knew that I was where she wanted to be with Kevin? I tried not to think about it.
"We still might have to leave," I said. "No matter what these people have to accept from each other, they might not be willing to tolerate 'immorality' from us."
He shrugged. "If we have to leave, we leave. There's a limit to what you should put up with even to get your chance with the boy. We'll work our way to Baltimore. I should be able to get some kind of job there."
"If we go to a city, how about Philadelphia?"
"Philadelphia?"
"Because it's in Pennsylvania. If we leave here, let it be for a free state."
"Oh. Yes, I should have thought of that myself. Look … Dana, we might have to go to one of the free states, anyway." He hesitated. "I mean if it turns out we can't get home the way we think we can. I'll probably become an unnecessary expense to Weylin when Rufus's leg heals. Then we'd have to make a home for ourselves somewhere. That probably won't happen, but it's a possibility."
I nodded.
"Now let's go get whatever belongs to you out of that attic." He stood up. "And, Dana, Rufus says his mother is going out visiting today. He'd like to see you while she's gone."
"Why didn't you tell me sooner? A start finally!"
Later that day, as I was mixing some corn-bread batter for Sarah, Carrie came to get me. She made a sign to Sarah that I had already learned to understand. She wiped the side of her face with one hand as though rubbing something off. Then she pointed to me.
"Dana," said Sarah over her shoulder, "one of the white folks wants you. Go with Carrie."
I went. Carrie led me up to Rufus's room, knocked, and left me there. I went in and found Rufus in bed with his leg sandwiched between the two boards of a wooden splint and held straight by a device of rope and cast iron. The iron weight looked like something borrowed from Sarah's kitchen—a heavy little hooked thing I'd once seen her hang meat on to roast. But it apparently served just as well to keep Rufus's leg in traction.
"How are you feeling?" I asked as I sat down in the chair beside his bed.
"It doesn't hurt as much as it did," he said. "I guess it's getting well. Kevin said … Do you care if I call him Kevin?"
"No, I think he wants you to."
"I have to call him Mr. Franklin when Mama is here. Anyway, he said you're working with Aunt Sarah."
Aunt Sarah? Well, that was better than Mammy Sarah, I supposed. "I'm learning her way of cooking."
"She's a good cook, but … does she hit you?"
"Of course not." I laughed.
"She had a girl in there a while back, and she used to hit her. The girl finally asked Daddy to let her go back to the fields. That was right after Daddy sold Aunt Sarah's boys, though. Aunt Sarah was mad at everybody then."
"I don't blame her," I said.
Rufus glanced at the door, then said low-voiced, "Neither do I. Her boy Jim was my friend. He taught me how to ride when I was little. But Daddy sold him anyway." He glanced at the door again and changed the subject. "Dana, can you read?"
"Yes."
"Kevin said you could. I told Mama, and she said you couldn't."
I shrugged. "What do you think?"
He took a leather-bound book from under his pillow. "Kevin brought me this from downstairs. Would you read it to me?"
I fell in love with Kevin all over again. Here was the perfect excuse for me to spend a lot of time with the boy. The book was Robinson Crusoe. I had read it when I was little, and I could remember not really liking it, but not quite being able to put it down. Crusoe had, after all, been on a slave-trading voyage when he was shipwrecked.
I opened the book with some apprehension, wondering what archaic spelling and punctuation I would face. I found the expected f's for s's and a few other things that didn't turn up as often, but I got used to them very quickly. And I began to get into Robinson Crusoe. As a kind of castaway myself, I was happy to escape into the fictional world of someone else's trouble.
I read and read and drank some of the water Rufus's mother had left for him, and read some more. Rufus seemed to enjoy it. I didn't stop until I thought he was falling asleep. But even then, as I put the book down, he opened his eyes and smiled.
"Nigel said your mother was a school teacher."
"She was."
"I like the way you read. It's almost like being there watching everything happen."
"Thank you."
"There's a lot more books downstairs."
"I've seen them." I had also wondered about them. The Weylins didn't seem to be the kind of people who would have a library.
"They belonged to Miss Hannah," explained Rufus obligingly. "Daddy was married to her before he married Mama, but she died. This place used to be hers. He said she read so much that before he married Mama, he made sure she didn't like to read."
"What about you?"
He moved uncomfortably. "Reading's too much trouble. Mr. Jennings said I was too stupid to learn anyway."
"Who's Mr. Jennings?"
"He's the schoolmaster."
"Is he?" I shook my head in disgust. "He shouldn't be. Listen, do you think you're stupid?"
"No." A small hesitant no. "But I read as good as Daddy does already. Why should I have to do more than that?"
"You don't have to. You can stay just the way you are. Of course, that would give Mr. Jennings the satisfaction of thinking he was right about you. Do you like him?"
"Nobody likes him."
"Don't be so eager to satisfy him then. And what about the boys you go to school with? It is just boys, isn't it—no girls?"
"Yeah."
"Well look at the advantage they're going to have over you when you grow up. They'll know more than you. They'll be able to cheat you if they want to. Besides," I held up Robinson Crusoe, "look at the pleasure you'll miss."
He grinned. "Not with you here. Read some more."
"I don't think I'd better. It's getting late. Your mother will be home soon."
"No she won't. Read."
I sighed. "Rufe, your mother doesn't like me. I think you know that."
He looked away. "We have a little more time," he said. "Maybe you'd better not read though. I forget to listen for her when you read."
I handed him the book. "You read me a few lines."
He accepted the book, looked at it as though it were his enemy. After a moment, he began to read haltingly. Some words stopped him entirely and I had to help. After two painful paragraphs, he stopped and shut the book in disgust. "You can't even tell it's the same book when I read it," he said.
"Let Kevin teach you," I said. "He doesn't believe you're stupid, and neither do I. You'll learn all right." Unless he really did have some kind of problem—poor vision or some learning disability that people in this time would see as stubbornness or stupidity. Unless. What did I know about teaching children? All I could do was hope the boy had as much potential as I thought he did.
I got up to go—then sat down again, remembering another unanswered question. "Rufe, what ever happened to Alice?"
"Nothing." He looked surprised.
"I mean … the last time I saw her, her father had just been beaten because he went to see her and her mother."
"Oh. Well, Daddy was afraid he'd run off, so he sold him to a trader."
"Sold him … does he still live around here?"
"No, the trader was headed south. To Georgia, I think."
"Oh God." I sighed. "Are Alice and her mother still here?"
"Sure. I still see them—when I can walk."
"Did they have any trouble because I was with them that night?" That was as near as I dared to come to asking what had happened to my would-be enslaver.
"I don't think so. Alice said you came and went away quick."
"I went home. I can't tell when I'm going to do that. It just happens."
"Back to California?"
"Yes."
"Alice didn't see you go. She said you just went into the woods and didn't come back."
"That's good. Seeing me vanish would have frightened her." Alice was keeping her mouth closed too then—or her mother was. Alice might not know what happened. Clearly there were things that even a friendly young white could not be told. On the other hand, if the patroller himself hadn't spread the word about me or taken revenge on Alice and her mother, maybe he was dead. My blow could have killed him, or someone could have finished him after I went home. If they had, I didn't want to know about it.
I got up again. "I have to go, Rufe. I'll see you again whenever I can."
"Dana?"
I looked down at him.
"I told Mama who you were. I mean that you were the one who saved me from the river. She said it wasn't true, but I think she really believed me. I told her because I thought it might make her like you better."
"It hasn't that I've noticed."
"I know." He frowned. "Why doesn't she like you? Did you do something to her?"
"Not likely! After all, what would happen to me if I did something to her?"
"Yeah. But why doesn't she like you?"
"You'll have to ask her."
"She won't tell me." He looked up solemnly. "I keep thinking you're going to go home—that somebody will come and tell me you and Kevin are gone. I don't want you to go. But I don't want you to get hurt here either."
I said nothing.
"You be careful," he said softly.
I nodded and left the room. Just as I reached the stairs, Tom Weylin came out of his bedroom.
"What are you doing up here?" he demanded.
"Visiting Mister Rufus," I said. "He asked to see me."
"You were reading to him!"
Now I knew how he happened to come out just in time to catch me. He had been eavesdropping, for Godsake. What had he expected to hear? Or rather, what had he heard that he shouldn't have? About Alice, perhaps. What would he make of that? For a moment my mind raced, searching for excuses, explanations. Then I realized I wouldn't need them. I would have met him outside Rufus's door if he had stayed long enough to hear about Alice. He had probably heard me addressing Rufus a little too familiarly. Nothing worse. I had deliberately not said anything damaging about Margaret because I thought her own attitude would damage her more in her son's eyes than anything I could say. I made myself face Weylin calmly.
"Yes, I was reading to him," I admitted. "He asked me to do that too. I think he was bored lying in there with nothing to do."
"I didn't ask you what you thought," he said.
I said nothing.
He walked me farther from Rufus's door, then stopped and turned to look hard at me. His eyes went over me like a man sizing up a woman for sex, but I got no message of lust from him. His eyes, I noticed, not for the first time, were almost as pale as Kevin's. Rufus and his mother had bright green eyes. I liked the green better, somehow.
"How old are you?" he asked.
"Twenty-six, sir."
"You say that like you're sure."
"Yes, sir. I am."
"What year were you born?"
"Seventeen ninety-three." I had figured that out days ago thinking that it wasn't a part of my personal history I should hesitate over if someone asked. At home, a person who hesitated over his birthdate was probably about to lie. As I spoke though, I realized that here, a person might hesitate over his birthdate simply because he didn't know it. Sarah didn't know hers.
"Twenty-six then," said Weylin. "How many children have you had?"
"None." I kept my face impassive, but I couldn't keep myself from wondering where these questions were leading.
"No children by now?" He frowned. "You must be barren then."
I said nothing. I wasn't about to explain anything to him. My fertility was none of his business, anyway.
He stared at me a little longer, making me angry and uncomfortable, but I concealed my feelings as well as I could.
"You like children though, don't you?" he asked. "You like my boy."
"Yes, sir, I do."
"Can you cipher too—along with your reading and writing?"
"Yes, sir."
"How'd you like to be the one to do the teaching?"
"Me?" I managed to frown … managed not to laugh aloud with relief. Tom Weylin wanted to buy me. In spite of all his warnings to Kevin of the dangers of owning educated, Northern-born slaves, he wanted to buy me. I pretended not to understand. "But that's Mr. Franklin's job."
"Could be your job."
"Could it?"
"I could buy you. Then you'd live here instead of traveling around the country without enough to eat or a place to sleep."
I lowered my eyes. "That's for Mr. Franklin to say."
"I know it is, but how do you feel about it?"
"Well … no offense, Mr. Weylin, I'm glad we stopped here, and as I said, I like your son. But I'd rather stay with Mr. Franklin."
He gave me an unmistakable look of pity. "If you do, girl, you'll live to regret it." He turned and walked away.
I stared after him believing in spite of myself that he really felt sorry for me.
That night I told Kevin what had happened, and he wondered too.
"Be careful, Dana," he said, unwittingly echoing Rufus. "Be as careful as you can."