ANNOUNCER:
Lux presents Hollywood!
MUSIC:
THEME ... CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND
ANNOUNCER:
The Lux Radio Theatre presents "You Can't Take It with You" with an all-star cast headed by Edward Arnold, Walter Connolly, Fay Wray, Robert Cummings, Neda Harrigan and Lee Patrick. Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. Cecil B. DeMille.
MUSIC:
THEME
Sound:
APPLAUSE
DEMILLE:
Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. This is a special occasion for us. Just five years ago this week, the curtain went up for the first time in the Lux Radio Theatre, and one of the most gratifying things to me is our box office report. Unlike most theatres, our box office is not situated in front of a building, with one ticket seller, but in every city and town throughout the country, with thousands of ticket sellers -- in every store where you buy Lux Toilet Soap. It's your loyal purchase of our product that raises the curtain each week in this theatre, and it's all made possible by the exceptional quality of Lux Toilet Soap. Mr. Ruick has a letter on this subject that I think you'd like to hear.
ANNOUNCER:
It says, "Dear Mr. DeMille, We are all loyal to you, to the Lux Radio Theatre, and to Lux Toilet Soap. I, for one, purchased Lux Toilet Soap, at first, as a 'thank you' for the Lux Radio Theatre, so the Theatre might be continued. But, just as you've told us, the quality of the product is so outstanding that I am now writing to tell you that I wouldn't think of doing without my Lux Toilet Soap. It's a grand help for a woman who wants to keep her complexion as attractive as possible, and it certainly makes a grand bath soap. And special thanks to you, Mr. DeMille, for 'You Can't Take It with You.' I'll be listening in Monday night."
DEMILLE:
And that, Mr. Ruick, brings us to our play. The ancient Greeks had a gift for philosophy; the Romans a gift for government; and just as certainly Americans have always been blessed with a gift for humor. Prophets of gloom have never fared very well in our country. They've always been overshadowed by prophets of laughter, like Moss Hart and George S. Kaufman, who wrote "You Can't Take It with You." A Pulitzer Prize play on the Broadway stage and later a hit motion picture produced by Columbia Pictures Corporation, "You Can't Take It with You" is a great American comedy. But it's also a love story, for there can be humor in romance, even though the parties concerned are usually too serious to see it.
To cast this play, we literally covered the country, from Maine to California. Our good friend Edward Arnold was up in San Francisco enjoying a kind of postman's holiday with the Bohemian Club, a group of gentlemen who amuse themselves occasionally by putting on a play. But we suggested that it was time to stop entertaining himself and get back to entertaining the public. He's here tonight as Banker Kirby, the same role he played in the picture.
Miss Fay Wray was in Maine, finishing an engagement on the straw hat circuit. That's the branch of the theatre which blooms in the spring and closes up at the first frost. When we... we reached her by telephone and told her about the part of Alice and, above the noise of shifting scenery, she managed to shout across the continent that she'd take the next train for California.
We found Walter Connolly, our choice for Grandpa Vanderhof, solemnly waving a steak knife in the Paramount commissary. When we caught his eye, from a safe distance, he explained that he was learning to be an orchestra conductor for the title role in "The Gay Days of Victor Herbert."
Robert Cummings, one of the most promising young leading men in Hollywood, takes the part of Tony. Neda Harrigan, in private life Mrs. Walter Connolly, plays Mrs. Kirby, and lovely Lee Patrick, the role of Penny.
Firecrackers, ballet dancers, romance and income taxes are about to descend upon us. It's curtain time for Act One of "You Can't Take It with You," starring Edward Arnold as Mr. Kirby, Walter Connolly as Grandpa Vanderhof, Fay Wray as Alice and Robert Cummings as Tony.
MUSIC:
A BREEZY INTRO
DEMILLE:
The fifty-seventh floor of the Kirby Building, tallest and most impressive structure of a great American city. On a door opposite the elevator is a brass plate bearing the legend "Anthony P. Kirby Company, Bankers" and behind seven other doors marked "Private" is the inner sanctum of the great Kirby himself. The famous tycoon cannot be disturbed just now. With his son Tony and a small group of associates, he's engaged in the ceremonial dance of modern business -- a very important conference.
KIRBY:
Gentlemen, we're going ahead exactly as planned! Our company will be the largest individual corporation in the world! Particularly with Ramsey lined up!
1ST ASSOCIATE:
Why, we'd control the whole field of production!
KIRBY:
Exactly, gentlemen.
2ND ASSOCIATE:
But, A. P., Ramsey would never permit himself to be absorbed by anybody.
KIRBY:
Oh, won't he? Earlier this year, Ramsey floated a new issue, didn't he? What for? For expansion, new production facilities! All right. Where's he going to build these new production facilities? I own every twelve square blocks completely surrounding his factories!
1ST ASSOCIATE:
You own them?
2ND ASSOCIATE:
We didn't know anything about that, A. P.
KIRBY:
Of course, you didn't! Nobody knew! The Blakely Real Estate Company's been buying it for me -- a piece at a time. But my name was kept out of it.
1ST ASSOCIATE:
That's brilliant, A. P.
KIRBY:
So you see, gentlemen, we can proceed without any trouble. Well, you know what to do. Come on, get busy.
BIZ:
("Yes, sir" ... "We'll hop right to it" ... "Goodbye, A. P.")
SOUND:
OFFICE DOOR CLOSES
KIRBY:
Oh, Douglas -- get me Mr. Blakely on the phone.
1ST SEC'Y:
Yes, sir.
KIRBY:
Well, Tony, how does it feel to be a vice-president?
TONY:
Well, it's been painless enough so far, Dad.
KIRBY:
Hm. You talk as if you were having a tooth yanked.
TONY:
Look, Dad, maybe sometime when you've got a week or two off you can sort of let me in on what the banking business is all about, huh?
KIRBY:
Oh, now, now, don't give up, Tony. Sure, it's complicated, but-- Oh, you'll get used to it. How's your mother been?
TONY:
Oh, she - she's fine. Said she'd drop in later.
1ST SEC'Y:
Mr. Blakely's on the phone, sir.
KIRBY:
Good, good! Hello? Hello, Blakely?
BLAKELY:
Hello, A. P.
KIRBY:
How's it going, Blakely? You got that property yet?
BLAKELY:
Well, I'm having a little trouble, A. P. I've got all twelve blocks except one house -- twenty-five foot front -- and the man won't sell.
KIRBY:
Well, make him sell! Those twelve blocks are useless unless I can buy every inch!
BLAKELY:
Well, I'm trying, A. P., but the old man's a crank. I offered him fifty thousand yesterday and he turned it down. I tried to get him in here today to talk some sense into him, but I don't know.
KIRBY:
You don't know?! You listen to me! I don't want any excuses! I want his house! And remember this, Blakely! Unless you buy the whole twelve blocks, you don't get a penny commission! Goodbye!
Sound:
CLICK OF RECEIVER ON OTHER END
BLAKELY:
But, Mr. Kirby--
Sound:
SECOND RECEIVER DOWN
BLAKELY:
Ahh... That man's got ice-water in his veins. I tell you, John, we've got to get that property.
HUGHES:
You can't force a man to sell his home.
BLAKELY:
Well, what'd he say when you offered him the fifty thousand?
HUGHES:
I'm not sure, but I think someone began singing, someone else danced, and Grandpa Vanderhof himself sat down and played a mouth organ.
BLAKELY:
A mouth organ? What are they, a bunch of nuts?
2ND SEC'Y:
Mr. Vanderhof is here, Mr. Blakely.
BLAKELY:
Oh, Mr. Vanderhof? Well, send him right in! No, no, no. Have him wait.
2ND SEC'Y:
Yes, sir.
BLAKELY:
Let him cool his heels a while.
HUGHES:
Psychology, eh?
BLAKELY:
It never fails.
SOUND:
ADDING MACHINE
2ND SEC'Y:
Mr. Vanderhof, Mr. Blakely will see you in just a minute.
GRANDPA:
Ay? Oh, that's all right. I'm not in any hurry.
2ND SEC'Y:
Thank you, Mr. Vanderhof.
GRANDPA:
Say, Mister. What are you doing with that there machine?
POPPINS:
Huh? Oh. Why, this is an adding machine.
SOUND:
MACHINE STOPS
POPPINS:
Oh, my goodness, made a mistake. First time in twenty years.
GRANDPA:
I suppose that calls for the building to collapse, hm? What do you have to do that for?
POPPINS:
Well, I - I - I have to add up these figures and see if they check against these - other figures.
GRANDPA:
Why? Say, do you like it? This work you're doing?
POPPINS:
Oh, my goodness, no. Oh, for lands' sakes, what am I saying!
GRANDPA:
Then what do you do it for? What would you rather do?
POPPINS:
Uh, uh, rather do? Why, I, uh-- I make up things.
GRANDPA:
Poetry?
POPPINS:
Oh, no, no. Things. Gadgets.
GRANDPA:
Let's see. Ya got anything here?
POPPINS:
Well, look back here behind the desk. See? This is one of the things I made up. The bunny comes out of the cabbage ...
MUSIC:
TINKLING MUSIC BOX
POPPINS:
... looks around. ... Then it goes back.
MUSIC:
STOPS
GRANDPA:
Now that's kinda cute. Seems to me, Mister, er--?
POPPINS:
Poppins.
GRANDPA:
Seems to me, Mr. Poppins, _that's_ the sort of thing you ought to be doin' all the time.
POPPINS:
Yes. Well, maybe someday when my ship comes in.
GRANDPA:
Lot o' people waitin' for that ship, Mr. Poppins. Meanwhile, they don't have any fun. Look, how would you like to come over to our house for a while and work on your gadgets?
POPPINS:
Over to your house?
GRANDPA:
Now, don't feel bashful about it. Mr. De Pinna -- he's the ice man -- came over nine years ago. Got interested in making fireworks down in the cellar with my son-in-law Paul, and he's been living with us ever since. Over at our place, everybody does exactly what he wants to do.
POPPINS:
Really? Oh, that's wonderful, but-- How do you live? Who takes care of you?
GRANDPA:
The same one who takes care of the lilies of the field, Mr. Poppins. If you like, you can come over and be a lily, too. ... Say, let's hear that bunny again, will ya?
POPPINS:
Well-- All right.
MUSIC:
TINKLING MUSIC, CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND
GRANDPA:
It's a wonderful invention, Mr. Poppins. Ought to be fun makin' it, too.
BLAKELY:
Poppins! Poppins!
POPPINS:
Oh, goodness, it's Mr. Blakely.
MUSIC:
STOPS
BLAKELY:
What's this?! What's going on here?
POPPINS:
Well, you see, sir-- This gentleman--
GRANDPA:
Mr. Poppins was showing me his invention, that's all.
BLAKELY:
Oh, Mr. Vanderhof. Well, well, well, come in. Come right into my office.
GRANDPA:
No, thank you, Mr. Blakely, I was just going.
BLAKELY:
Going? What are you talking about?
GRANDPA:
Say, that's a bad twitch in your eye. You been working too hard. You ought to take a vacation.
BLAKELY:
Mr. Vanderhof, if it's all the same to you, let's quit playing games. I'm a very busy man.
GRANDPA:
Then I don't want to disturb you. Bye, Mr. Blakely!
BLAKELY:
Look, look! I have a check here for a hundred thousand dollars -- made out to you!
GRANDPA:
You don't say? Look out for that twitch, Mr. Blakely. Coming, Poppins?
POPPINS:
I - I - I'd like to. But I - I don't think--
BLAKELY:
You, you, Poppins! This is all your fault! You and your confounded toys! Get it out of here!
Sound:
TOY SMASHED
POPPINS:
Oh! You broke it. You broke my-- Wait a minute, Mr. Vanderhof. I - I'll get my hat.
BLAKELY:
If you leave here, Poppins, you needn't come back!
POPPINS:
I don't intend to! Mr. Blakely, the die is cast! From now on, I - I'm - I'm a lily! ...
GRANDPA:
Fine! Get your bunny, Poppins!
MUSIC:
BRISK BRIDGE
Sound:
FRONT DOOR OPENS
GRANDPA:
Go right in, Mr. Poppins.
POPPINS:
Thank you.
RHEBA:
Hello, Grandpa, that you?
Sound:
DOOR CLOSES
GRANDPA:
Yep. Rheba, you better set another place for dinner. Mr. Poppins here is going to stay with us for a while.
RHEBA:
Now ain't that nice! Howdo, Mr. Poppins?
POPPINS:
How do you do?
ESSIE:
Rheba, will you taste a Love Dream for me? It's a new candy I'm workin' on -- with cocoanuts.
RHEBA:
Like to, Miss Essie, but I just ate a scallion. It's gonna taste like scallions no matter what.
GRANDPA:
(CHUCKLES)
ESSIE:
Guess I'll have to ask mother, then. Hello, Grandpa.
GRANDPA:
This is my granddaughter, Essie, Mr. Poppins. Makes the best candy in the city.
ESSIE:
Hello.
POPPINS:
Hello.
GRANDPA:
Just put your hat over there, Mr. Poppins. I'll show you where you can wash up.
ESSIE:
Mother! Mother!
SOUND:
TYPEWRITER
ESSIE:
Mother, will you please taste a Love Dream for me?
PENNY:
I don't think I can now, Essie, I'm busy with my play. Do you have to make candy today? It's so hot.
ESSIE:
Well, Ed went out and got a bunch of new orders.
PENNY:
If it keeps on, you'll be opening a store, dear.
ESSIE:
That's what Ed was sayin' last night, but I said no. I want to be a dancer.
RHEBA:
Miss Essie, that new batch of Love Dreams is about ready.
ESSIE:
Oh, gosh! I'd better get back to the kitchen!
RHEBA:
Finish the second act yet, Mrs. Sycamore?
SOUND:
TYPEWRITER STOPS
PENNY:
Oh, no, Rheba. I've got Cynthia just entering a monastery.
RHEBA:
Monastery? She was singin' in the Paradise Club last I heard.
PENNY:
Well, she gets tired of the Paradise Club, and there's this monastery, so she goes there.
RHEBA:
My! I bet she busts it wide open! ...
SOUND:
CELLAR DOOR OPENS, OFF
PAUL:
Wait a minute, Mr. De Pinna, I want to show my wife.
PENNY:
Paul, what are you doing down in the cellar?
PAUL:
Look, Penny, the new firecrackers! Mr. De Pinna and I just got through with 'em. We can sell them for ten cents a string -- and they pop like the dickens. Watch!
Sound:
FIRECRACKERS POPS
PAUL:
Pretty nice, huh?
PENNY:
Yes, dear, they're lovely.
DE PINNA:
Oh, Mr. Sycamore!
PAUL:
Yes, Mr. De Pinna?
DE PINNA:
On this sky rocket, I think we got the powder chamber too close to the balloon.
PAUL:
Bring it up here and let me see!
ESSIE:
Mother, Ed's coming home! Ed's coming home! I saw him through the window!
Sound:
FRONT DOOR OPENS, OFF
ED:
Hey, Essie!
Sound:
FRONT DOOR CLOSES, OFF
ESSIE:
Here I am, Ed!
ED:
Well, I delivered the candy. How's my beautiful wife?
ESSIE:
Oh, just fine, dear.
ED:
I couldn't wait to get home and get at the xylophone. Say, wait'll you hear this tune. It's been ringin' in my ears all day. Listen.
MUSIC:
XYLOPHONE ... CHOPIN
ESSIE:
Oh, I like that, Ed. Is it yours?
ED:
No. Chopin.
ESSIE:
Got a lot of you in it. It makes me feel like practicing my dancing.
MUSIC:
XYLOPHONE FADES TO BACKGROUND
GRANDPA:
Come on, Mr. Poppins. Come on in and meet the rest of the family. Folks, this is Mr. Poppins. You know Essie. The fellow playing the xylophone is Ed, he's her husband. This is my son-in-law, Paul Sycamore.
PAUL:
Hello, Mr. Poppins.
POPPINS:
How do you do?
GRANDPA:
And Mr. De Pinna, he's the ice man.
DE PINNA:
Very pleased to know you.
POPPINS:
How do you do?
GRANDPA:
And over here is my daughter, Penny.
POPPINS:
How do you do?
MUSIC:
XYLOPHONE COMES TO FINISH
PENNY:
Hello. Were you ever in a monastery, Mr. Poppins?
POPPINS:
No, I never have been.
GRANDPA:
What's the matter, Penny? Stuck?
PENNY:
Well, I've got her in a monastery and I _can't_ get her out.
GRANDPA:
Say, where's Alice? Isn't she coming home for dinner?
PENNY:
She didn't say. I think she ought to stop working in that millinery shop. They make her stay so late.
GRANDPA:
Why, Penny. She hasn't worked there for five months.
PENNY:
Really?
GRANDPA:
She works for some bankers now. Kirby and Son. She works for the son.
PENNY:
Bankers! Now, isn't that nice. Rheba! Rheba!
RHEBA:
Yes, Mrs. Sycamore?
PENNY:
Rheba, will you please call up Alice at her office and ask her if she's coming home to dinner?
GRANDPA:
That's at Kirby and Son, Rheba.
Sound:
PHONE DIALED
RHEBA:
Yeah, I know.
PENNY:
Yes, she works for the son. Now where was I in my play?
Sound:
TELEPHONE RINGING
ALICE:
Tony ... Tony, dear?
TONY:
Yes, Alice?
ALICE:
Tony, stop me if I'm wrong, but isn't that the telephone ringing?
TONY:
Say, that's strange. Now, I thought I heard something. Voices in my ear. Voices that say, "If you don't kiss Alice Sycamore right away, you're a chump!"
ALICE:
Tony, please! This is a business office!
Sound:
RINGING OUT, RECEIVER UP
ALICE:
Hello, Mr. Anthony Kirby Junior's office. ... Oh, hello, Rheba. ... Wait. Mother wants to know if I'll be home for dinner.
TONY:
Oh, definitely not.
ALICE:
The man says no, Rheba.
TONY:
Darling! Darling!
ALICE:
Tony, stop that. (INTO PHONE) Rheba, tell Grandpa I love him as much as ever, but a young vice-president has me in his power!
TONY:
(LAUGHS)
ALICE:
Tony, don't!
TONY:
Well, I was only kissing the back of the neck.
ALICE:
Yes, Rheba, of course, I'm struggling! Tony, don't!
Sound:
OFFICE DOOR OPENS
MRS. KIRBY:
Tony
MRS. KIRBY:
Good evening, dear.
ALICE:
Oh!
TONY:
Mother. Oh, uh, hello - Mother. Won't you sort of sit down or something?
MRS. KIRBY:
No, I - I see you're busy. If you don't mind, I think I'll go and see your father. Excuse me, dear.
Sound:
OFFICE DOOR CLOSES
ALICE:
Goodbye, Rheba. I've got to hang up now. The ceiling just fell in.
Sound:
RECEIVER DOWN
ALICE:
Tony, would you mind handing me the want ad section of that paper?
TONY:
Oh, I'm sorry, Alice. I had no idea my mother was gonna pop in like that.
ALICE:
No, I guess you didn't. Well, _I'd_ better go home.
TONY:
Now, wait a minute. I want to tell you something. Last night I informed that irate lady that was just in here that - that I was gonna marry you.
ALICE:
Tony! I don't remember your telling it to me.
TONY:
Well, you didn't ask me.
ALICE:
Did you see the way she looked at me? I know just what she was thinking.
TONY:
Oh, listen, there seems to be a general impression around here that the Kirbys are ogres or something. Well, that has nothing to do with me. They're just putty in my hands. Never wanted a thing I couldn't get if I yelled long enough. Worked like a charm when I was a baby. Here! I'll give you an idea!
ALICE:
Tony! Oh, you crazy--!
TONY:
Sure. And there's one little detail I forgot to mention. I love you, Alice. I love you very much.
ALICE:
Oh, Tony ... Tony ...
MUSIC:
ROMANTIC
POPPINS:
There you are. Do you like it, Mr. Sycamore?
PAUL:
Why, I think it's marvelous! Did you make that just the two days you've been here?
POPPINS:
Well, I - I had the parts, you see. But this is a wonderful place to work.
DE PINNA:
Say, Mr. Sycamore.
PAUL:
Yes?
DE PINNA:
This new fireworks display's gonna be the best we've ever made.
PAUL:
I guess it is, Mr. De Pinna.
DE PINNA:
Did you think a name up for it yet?
PAUL:
No. What we need is something new and big with plenty of flash. You any ideas, Mr. Poppins?
POPPINS:
Er, let me see. Er, I know! The Russian Revolution! Plenty of fireworks there!
PAUL:
Why, that's brilliant, Mr. Poppins. What do you think of it, Ed? The Russian Revolution!
ED:
I think it's swell. Say, you've got swell ideas, Mr. Poppins. Say, maybe you've got something you'd like me to set up on my printin' press.
POPPINS:
Why don't you print something about the fireworks? Advertising them? Then, put it in the candy boxes, and the people who buy the candy will also buy the fireworks!
ED:
Say, that's great! Listen, how does this sound? "Watch for the Revolution! It's Comin' Soon!"
POPPINS:
Fine!
DE PINNA:
We got a lot of these Red Flag firecrackers left. You could write about them, too!
ED:
Sure! "Red Flags will sweep the country! Get your Red Flags from Sycamore!"
PAUL:
Well, that's fine! Fine!
Sound:
FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
ALICE:
Hello, everybody!
Sound:
DINNER BELL RINGIN
ALICE:
Hear ye! Hear ye! Hear ye!
RHEBA:
Don't ring that dinner bell yet, Miss Alice! It ain't even half ready!
ALICE:
Gather 'round everybody! It's the Town Crier herself! And I've got an announcement to make!
PENNY:
Alice! Alice, dear, what's the matter?
ALICE:
Oh, it's wonderful, Mother! Listen! A young gentleman is going to call on me in exactly twenty minutes!
ESSIE:
Who, Alice? What's his name?
ALICE:
Mr. Anthony Kirby, Junior.
ESSIE:
Kirby! Why, that's the boss' son!
PENNY:
Oh, yes! Kirby and Son.
GRANDPA:
Here, here, what's all the excitement?
ALICE:
Grandpa, I've had a proposal from Tony Kirby -- and he's coming to call tonight.
PENNY:
A proposal! Well, why didn't you say?
ALICE:
And, Mother, please, I want him to take us in easy doses, so please don't read him any plays on his first visit 'cause I like him. And - and, Essie, I wouldn't dance for him if I were you, because we're going to the Monte Carlo ballet later. Well, now I've got to dress. Bye!
Sound:
FADE IN KNOCKING ON DOOR
ALICE:
Come in.
Sound:
ROOM DOOR OPENS
GRANDPA:
Hello.
ALICE:
Hello, Grandpa. Sit down.
GRANDPA:
Thanks. Well, Alice. Do you love him?
ALICE:
Love him? Oh, I-- Oh, I--
GRANDPA:
Can't even talk about him, hm?
ALICE:
Not rationally.
GRANDPA:
Who's askin' you to be rational? Listen, when I courted your grandmother, it took me two years to propose. Know why? The moment she'd walk into the room, my knees'd buckle, and the blood would rush to my head, and the walls would start dancing. Up to the last, I couldn't even look at her without my heart didn't go thump, thump, thump.
ALICE:
(LAUGHS GENTLY)
GRANDPA:
That's why I've lived in this house so many years -- and never could move out. It'd be like - like moving away from Grandma.
ALICE:
Oh, Grandpa. I've got it that way, too.
GRANDPA:
If you have, then I guess it's all right.
ALICE:
Look. I - I bought you something. Here. Do you like it?
GRANDPA:
Well, bless my soul. A new harmonica! Sure is a beauty, too. I guess I'll run along downstairs and have a whack at it.
MUSIC:
HARMONICA
Sound:
DOOR BELL RINGS
MUSIC:
XYLOPHONE
ALICE:
There's the bell! He's here now! Tell him I'll be right there, Grandpa.
ESSIE:
That's wonderful, Ed!
PENNY:
Ed, Ed, stop playing! I think I heard the bell!
MUSIC:
XYLOPHONE STOPS
PENNY:
And remember, everybody, be very nice! It's Alice's young man!
Sound:
FRONT DOOR OPENS
PENNY:
Hello, I'm Alice's mother. Come right in.
HENDERSON:
I'm afraid there's been a mistake. My name is Henderson.
PENNY:
Henderson? But I thought it was Kirby.
HENDERSON:
Wilbur G. Henderson, Internal Revenue Department. I'm looking for Martin Vanderhof.
GRANDPA:
Right, here. Come on in.
HENDERSON:
Thank you.
GRANDPA:
Sit down, sir.
Sound:
FRONT DOOR CLOSES, OFF
HENDERSON:
Thanks. Mr. Vanderhof, the Government wants to talk to you about a little matter of income tax.
GRANDPA:
Income tax?
HENDERSON:
Now, Mr. Vanderhof, we've written you several letters about this, and no reply. And according to our records--
Sound:
DOOR BELL RINGS
PENNY:
Oh! That's Mr. Kirby now. I'll answer it! Excuse me!
Sound:
FRONT DOOR OPEN
HENDERSON:
Uh--
PENNY:
Come right in, Mr. Kirby.
TONY:
Thanks.
Sound:
FRONT DOOR CLOSES
GRANDPA:
Hello, son! Glad to see ya.
TONY:
Thank you, sir.
ALICE:
Mother?! Is that Mr. Kirby?
PENNY:
Yes, dear! He's lovely! ...
GRANDPA:
Sit down, son, sit down. Make yourself at home.
TONY:
Oh, thank you very much.
HENDERSON:
Mr. Vanderhof, I hope you'll excuse me, but I've got to be going.
GRANDPA:
Oh, I'm sorry. Drop in again sometime for dinner. ...
HENDERSON:
If you don't mind, I'd like to get my business over before I go.
GRANDPA:
Oh?
HENDERSON:
Mr. Vanderhof, our records show that you have never paid an income tax.
GRANDPA:
That's right.
HENDERSON:
Why not?
GRANDPA:
I don't believe in it. ...
HENDERSON:
You don't believe in it!
GRANDPA:
No, sir.
HENDERSON:
Well, whether you believe in it or not, you owe the Government twenty-two years' back income taxes!
GRANDPA:
Yes? Now, look, Mr. Henderson. Suppose I pay ya the money. Mind ya, I don't say I'm going to, but just for the sake of argument. What do I get for my money?
HENDERSON:
Get? Why - why, you get everything!
GRANDPA:
What?
HENDERSON:
Well-- Well, everything! Look at Congress and the House and the Senate. We've got to pay them, don't we?
GRANDPA:
Not with my money. No, sir. ...
HENDERSON:
Now, listen--!
ALICE:
Well, here I am. Hello, Tony.
TONY:
Hello, Alice.
ALICE:
I hope you all got acquainted.
PENNY:
Oh, yes. I think you two will make such a lovely couple!
ALICE:
Mother.
HENDERSON:
Look, Mr. Vanderhof, there's no two ways about it. You've got to pay your taxes.
GRANDPA:
How's that?
HENDERSON:
I said you've got to pay it!
GRANDPA:
Well, they've got to show me.
HENDERSON:
They don't have to show you! I just told you! Look. Who's going to pay for all those buildings down in Washington? And Interstate Commerce? And the Constitution?
GRANDPA:
The Constitution was paid for long ago. And Interstate Commerce-- What is Interstate Commerce anyway?
HENDERSON:
Oh, look. There are forty-eight states, see? And if it weren't for Interstate Commerce, nothing could get from one state to another, see?
GRANDPA:
Why not? Have they got fences? ...
HENDERSON:
No, they haven't got fences! They've got laws! Oh, holy smoke, I never ran across anything like this before!
GRANDPA:
Well, I might pay you about ... seventy-five dollars, but that's all it's worth.
HENDERSON:
You'll pay every cent of it, like everybody else. And if you think you're bigger than the law, you've got another thing coming!
Sound:
LOUD FIRECRACKER
HENDERSON:
Holy smokes! What's that?! What's that?!Let me out of this place! Lemme out here! Lemme out here!
Sound:
FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, QUICKLY
ALICE:
You see, Tony, my father makes fireworks in the cellar.
TONY:
Oh. Well, I hope you don't get into any trouble, Mr. Vanderhof.
GRANDPA:
Not me. I don't owe the government a cent.
PENNY:
Alice dear, here's your wrap.
ALICE:
Thanks, Mother. All ready, Tony? We'll be late.
Sound:
FRONT DOOR FLUNG OPEN
KOLENKHOV:
Hello, everybody!
ESSIE:
Mr. Kolenkhov!
ALICE:
Oh, Tony, you're just in time to meet Mr. Kolenkhov. He's Essie's dancing teacher.
KOLENKHOV:
Ah, my little Alice! My little Alishka! Never have I seen you look so magnificent!
ALICE:
Mr. Kirby, Mr. Kolenkhov.
TONY:
How do you do?
KOLENKHOV:
I have a slight pain in the chest.
ESSIE:
Oh, Mr. Kolenkhov, I practiced today!
KOLENKHOV:
Ah! My Pavlowa! Uh, Grandpa, I am in time for dinner, no?
GRANDPA:
Of course you are.
ALICE:
If you'll pardon us, Mr. Kolenkhov. We're going out - to the Monte Carlo Ballet.
KOLENKHOV:
Monte Carlo Ballet? It stinks!
ALICE:
Yes. Well. Goodbye, everybody!
TONY:
Glad to have met you all. Goodbye!
Sound:
DINNER BELL RINGS, OFF
RHEBA:
Dinner's ready!
ED:
Come on, everybody!
Sound:
CHAIRS BEING MOVE
KOLENKHOV:
Well, let me get my place right here, if you don't mind.
PENNY:
We can put the altar right in that corner!
KOLENKHOV:
Thank you very much.
Sound:
TAPPING ON PLATE
GRANDPA:
Quiet, everybody! Quiet!
BIZ:
EVERYONE QUIETS
PENNY:
Did you notice his manners, Paul?
PAUL:
Quiet, Penny. Grandpa's going to say grace.
MUSIC:
TO SAY GRACE BY ... CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND
GRANDPA:
Well, Sir, we've been getting along pretty good for quite a while now and we're certainly much obliged. Looks like Alice is going to get married -- and I think she'll be happy, 'cause we just met the boy You sent to her - and he looks fine. Remember, all we ask is to just go along the way we are and keep our health - and, as far as anything else is concerned, we leave it up to You. Thank You.
BIZ:
ALL AD LIB
KOLENKHOV:
Now, who has the pickles? Pickles, Mr. Poppins
Sound:
APPLAUSE
DEMILLE:
The curtain falls on Act One of "You Can't Take It with You" and the course of romance promises to be rather stormy in the Vanderhof household. During the brief intermission, before we go on with the Second Act, a member of our official family, Mr. Ruick, has an interesting interlude for you.
ANNOUNCER:
Yes, I should like to tell you about a conversation that some of us had last night. We were sitting around a table at the Brown Derby, when someone brought up the subject of how men differ from women in their attitude towards the simple things of life. For instance, men don't like plays that are sad as much as women do.
SALLY:
And men sing in the bath, Mr. Ruick.
MARY:
That's right, Mr. Ruick, and we've made up a little song about that which we think is cute. Want to hear it?
ANNOUNCER:
We certainly do. Go ahead.
TRIO:
(SINGS ... ORIGINAL MUSIC ... PIANO ACCOMPANIMENT)
Here's what we've heard nearly everyone say.
Women are different from men!
Ladies, when bathing, are not half so gay!
While men sing or whistle and then sing again ...
If they're Irish, the tune goes like this -
(HUM A BAR OF "I'M OFF TO PHILADELPHIA IN THE MORNING")
If they're Scotch, here is one they won't miss -
(HUM "THE CAMPBELLS ARE COMING")
Maybe they'll whistle and you will hear -
(WHISTLE "BOO-LA BOO-LA")
For men are always full of good cheer--!
ANNOUNCER:
That's enough, girls, that's enough. You've proved your point. Men do sing in the bath tub or shower. And it's up to the wise wife to see that this happy mood isn't broken. Don't, please, give them a soap that's sort of stingy in its lather. Don't give them soaps that sting and smart. In short, do give them Lux Toilet Soap. It's rich, active lather works up fast and cleanses thoroughly and quickly. Yet it's gentle and mild. It makes a bath a pleasure and, best of all, it leaves a man sure of fastidious grooming.
IRENE:
Mr. Ruick? We have a two-line encore to our song.
ANNOUNCER:
Fine. Let's hear it.
TRIO:
(SINGS ... ORIGINAL MUSIC ... PIANO ACCOMPANIMENT)
Here is how you can keep husbands always gay!
Let them take baths the Lux Soap way!
ANNOUNCER:
Yes, Lux Toilet Soap is a bath soap men like.